[PC stories/Life] I’M TIRED OF HOPING

I’m a 27 yo female, who occasionally listen to kpop songs. This is my first time writing a piece of my shitty live publicly, so please excuse my poor writing.

I grew up in a poor family who practice tough love. So as the first born and their first investment, I did everything I could to make them proud. I was not an all-As-getter kind, but I did quite well, I was lucky enough to get scholarships for college, and I finished college on time.

Ever since college, I have been working to provide for myself, and after college, I began to provide for my family too as a return for their being first investment. I have no complain because I was built to be someone who likes to help people.

I spent almost all of my 20s working, mostly 40 hours a week, but then I also work after my work hours to have some more money to save for my future education (because I have a dream of getting my master degree abroad), or just to treat myself something delicious. I was tired but I tried my best to keep going, hoping that someday, maybe I can finally be out of this country, continue my education, and maybe meet someone who doesn’t think my present is annoying.

I tried applying for scholarships too, so I could continue my education abroad, as this has been my long life dream. I spent my money on books, tutoring, applying to uni, etc. I faced rejection too, but I was still clinging to that hope of a better day that may come to me. However, as my 20s fades, I have been in the phase of life where loneliness is constantly creeping in and money just kept disappearing. I don’t even dream to have that branded bags or jewelries, I just want a live where I am free of worry. Free of worrying about money, free of worrying about the future, just free of worrying about what’s ahead of me.

I am currently waiting on my scholarship announcements, this is my 3rd time trying on this specific scholarships, and my 6th time trying on applying for scholarships in general. I got to the last stage of the application, and now I am waiting for the final result. But honestly, I don’t think I could go in. I don’t have the courage to even check the result because I don’t have any other plan aside of this scholarships and I’m getting real tired of working in the place where I’m currently working. My mother, on the other hand, has specifically told me that this should be the last time I applied for scholarships, and that she wants me to focus on my live here, probably getting married, or something. But I just don’t see myself marrying anyone from this country because they don’t meet my standard, and I don’t meet their standard either. I just want to be out of this country and be free.